


would've been, couldn't be

by dawnian



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Heavy Angst, Insecurities, Jaemin Needs a Hug, Jaemin's dead, Jeno reads the letter and writes a letter back, M/M, Married Noren, Present Noren, Unrequited Love, at least I think so, but he's dead, letter format, past Nomin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-28
Updated: 2020-11-29
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:33:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,458
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27748309
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dawnian/pseuds/dawnian
Summary: Goodbye Jeno, maybe in another universe we would be, and I wouldn't be the couldn't be in this life;In which on a day meant to be full of sunshine and happiness, Jaemin's letter rests upon the armrest, it's details and his love in silence out to the world.
Relationships: Huang Renjun/Lee Jeno, Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin
Comments: 22
Kudos: 35





	1. longs and dreams, but you

**Author's Note:**

> HI. AGAIN. writing motivation said hello AND HAPPY LATE THANKSGIVING

**Greetings, Jeno**

\---- I hope this letter greets you when you are feeling the happiest and most joyful. I feel as if you would know who I am already, but yet an unidentified feeling in my chest tells me you've forgotten me, the others, and all we had. However, that's okay as by the time you read this, I'd be buried deeply within the soil, turned into a force of nature. Well, in that case; I should introduce myself again. Hello again, I am Na Jaemin. Do you remember me? Your best friend from diapers to college, and knowing how you are; I'd know that you would be feeling quite guilty forgetting me, but no worries. I've always been forgettable, but even if you did forget me, it wouldn't hold much importance since I know that you'd always be in my heart even if I'm not in yours.

This letter is only just to tell you the truth about how I feel after all these years, but then, my feelings were only relevant back them. I never knew when and how to start and whenever I remember your face whenever you'd think that I didn't trust you nevertheless still makes my heart feel heavy after all these years. Do you remember when I told you that I'd love you to the end of the world even if your heart is no longer within my grasp? That statement's true, it's always been true even after you asked me if I still had feelings for you when you proposed a separation. I had to lie, I wanted to see you happy the way you make me happy. Every night, I'd still long for your presence even when I knew the bare truth that my insecurities who gotten the best of me restricted me from giving you my all which led to lost feelings. 

I always used to love the emotional side to me, the dark side of me, but when I finally realized that I was truly the problem, I began to hate. I hated everyone, I hated me, but yet my heart always seems to pound in the wrong way whenever I tried to think of you in a negative light until I finally admitted to myself that I've never gotten over you, that my heart's always begging for you. I knew you were falling in love with Renjun and sometimes, my thoughts get to me, picking at me. I used to wonder what I lacked, used to cry all night when I felt frustrated yet I showed up to you everyday, listening to your loving rants about Renjun.

I do admit, he's a truly beautiful being. I would understand why someone would fall for him. His smiles and the cute snaggletooth you used to tell me about made me think that he was truly perfect. I wasn't wrong as when I finally let my eyes lay on him, I realized how perfect he was. I realized what I lacked and I used to wonder day and night of how I could earn you back and whenever I'd open my mouth to try, your words about Renjun slowly pushes me back into my hermit shell I've created for myself in an attempt to protect myself, not knowing the reason I'm hurting is because of you, who I always put close to me, inside my shell. When I see your loving gazes and your awkward flirting, I reminisces in my head about how'd it feel if it was me you were doing that to, but then I'd realize how selfish I am.

I pushed you away, but you kept me close and I pushed and pushed until you fell.   
  
I wished I could've been better, that when you wanted to leave that I would've begged and begged for you to stay. That I'd tug on your sleeve again and wrap my arms around you and pleaded you to stay and that I'd change in any way you wanted me to. I would smother you with my love till you were tired of me, but that turned into a wish, a dream that I'd knew would never happen. 

My heart all these years when we finally separated as friends still, and always thought of you and even when I achieved the life I always wanted came true, my heart was occupied by you. No matter how many books I publish and how many love I get in return by the people who appreciates my work, the only love that would truly fulfill my heart's desire has always been yours. When I was so close to death, I dreamed and dreamed of you by my bedside to tell me you love me, you would stay, you would keep me until I finally broke.

I have a week more to live Jeno, but I'd be a dead man to you when you read this.

However, back to a positive note, Jeno-ah. I hope you're happy with Renjun, promise me to love him with your whole heart. Never leave him and make sure he knows his worth. Make him feel special the way you did to me or even more, make him happy, but also make sure you're happy. Take care of yourself well, Jeno. Whenever you think that no one loves you in this world, remember that even a dead man that you used to consider close is still deeply in love with you, that cares for you even if they are 6 feet under, eroding with time. 

Remember that Renjun loves you. He loves you, he'll make you as happy more than anyone in the world. Never be insecure, you're amazing or even perfect if I still had a right to call you perfect the way I used to. I remember how uncomfortable you used to be when receiving compliments from strangers, the way your cheeks redden as you shyly thank the person who smiles back and leaves. Would you consider me a stranger? I hope not.

I'm the same boy you met and you left. 

We were the 'would've be' to everyone, but I couldn't be the 'could be' to you.

To finally end off this long letter; my heart used to be full of butterflies when I think of you, now I'm left with coldness and a heavy heart that's slowly killing me, but I truly still love you with every inch of my soul. So, instead of my love for you killing me, I'll be the final to my life. I'll be the end to this love in silence.

Goodbye Jeno, maybe in another universe we would be, and I wouldn't be the couldn't be in this life.

**Sincerely, Na Jaemin.**


	2. caution, glass hearts, and us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's on a gloomy day when a letter was written and two letters were burned to ashes;
> 
> In which, Jeno writes a letter back to Jaemin that ends up unsent and burned with the letter written for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi 🧍♀️

**Hello, Nana**

Good morning, Nana. I read your letter the other night and I already know you won't be able to see this. However, I should come off as honest with you too, Jaemin-ah. You're not the only one that should be sorry, Nana. I'm sorry too. I couldn't respect your privacy whenever you wanted me to. I shouldn't have bugged you the way I did once. I never noticed the way your eyes would linger upon me for longer, the way you closed your mouth after you open it whenever I turn at you. My mouth spilled words of Renjun, never noticing your sarcastic, tired smiles that I oh, so, miss. I wish I was there to take back all the harsh words I told you. I wish I never told you that you weren't worth it of being loved when it was clearly my fault for trying to force a story out of you.

I hope you're happy, Nana. I wish you would've gave me a call, I wish that I could be by your side. I would hold your hand the way I did in kindergarten when we went to our class. I remember your smile, I wish I would've been more sensitive to how you feel and not victimize myself to the world to make you seem incompetent, arrogant, and selfish. If only I would've been, we both would've made it together out whether we still loved each other or not. I always felt guilt in my heart whenever I talked behind your back, spilling your secrets and making people go against you and then pretend to be by your side whenever you'd come to me, crying your heart out. I wish I would've been more mature, willing to work the problem out instead of forcing myself on you, putting my words into your mouth and taking things you say in the wrong way.

Sometimes, I reminisce your crying face and my heart turns heavy, knowing that I was the cause of it all from behind the scenes. If I could go back in time, I would've gave us another chance, Jaemin-ah. Jaemin-ah, please know you'll always be in a part of my heart. Even if my heart belongs to someone else now, just know I still nevertheless value you so much. I wish I would've looked back earlier to see the way you cried when I broke up with you upon the fountain that was once our favorite spot and run over to comfort you. To bring you into my embrace once again, to tell you that even if it was hard, I would've been willing to try again. That I still loved you romantically upon the time. 

I wished that we both would've have the courage. I was restricted by my anger, my insensitive side that pushed you far off the line. Now, I think back about it, I didn't even know how you would tolerate me. I remember all my words I spewed in a moment of frustration, I wish I could take it back. You're not a burden, Jaemin-ah. You were never someone I considered that would stress me. Your presence always seem to calm me down, but I could never seem to hold myself back from yelling at you for no reason. Nana, why did you even tolerate me? Why couldn't yell at me and scream at me the way I did the same? You always held yourself back even if you saw red. All those broken plates were plates I broke and you would watch me, expressionless with a sadness in your eyes I only now pick up upon. 

I still remember the way people's faces lit up in disgust or amusement whenever I made up something to them about you, spreading it around to their friends and making you look as bad as possible. The way you would begin to have a cap or a hoodie on as the rumors progressed, but still managed to listen to my rants about Injunnie. There was also one time, I saw your body shaking, alone on the rooftop trying to muffle your sobs; I watched silently. I wished I would've gotten up and comforted you, told you that everything was going to be okay. That I would finally be honest with you and told you that I'm sorry when I still had the chance to. If I could take all the words I said of you behind you back, I would've within a heartbeat. 

You were so worth it, Jaemin-ah. You're worth it of everything, you're a gem. I can still remember the your eyes light up whenever I told you that I'd love you to the end of the world. I would still love you to the end of the world, Jaemin-ah. Platonic or not. I wish you were here with me, that you would've told me where you rested. Do you still remember the fake flower bouquet you gave me on our first date? The way you sheepishly smiled at me while I laughed at how cute your antics were, that the flowers that _you_ made were so beautiful. I told Injun and he understood, he delicately took the flowers you made and put them in a vase to showcase them, Jaemin-ah. I still have the paper you wrapped the flowers in, Nana. 

I still have our pictures, from diapers to the end of our friendship. I still have them in photo cases, photo books to look back on whenever I can't control the tears that streamed down my face. I still see the big smiles on your faces when we both were okay. Your smiles used to always reach your eyes, but now, I can never see a tint of happiness in your eyes again because I can only go off upon pictures now. Your smiled is now an engraved image in my heart and a printed image physically. I can never see it with my own eyes again unless I meet you in my dreams, Nana. 

Please don't worry about me, Jaemin. I'm fine and thank you. No matter how long we're apart, you'd never be a stranger to me. Me and Renjun are happy together, Jaemin-ah. We're both happy, Nana; but that isn't the point here because no matter how happy I am, I can never get over or be fully happy over the fact that you spent years crying over me. I wish I would've tried to understand, Nana. I wished I would've introduced you to other people to help you move on and happy, Jaemin. 

I love you so much, I really do. 

In another universe, maybe we'd work out; but here, our love is full of caution tape, glass hearts, and us, stuck in a moment.

If we could work out, would you give me your hand another time? Would you look at me the way you do? 

Thank you, Jaemin-ah. May you rest in peace,

**Jeno Lee.**

Jeno's eyes slowly shut on his bed, every once in a while turning to the letter to see the smudged ink that made the letter unreadable to the human eye. He could feel tears gather to his eyes, but he made no effort to stop them as Renjun who snuggled close beside him, trying to comfort Jeno who smiled softly yet with an unexplained feeling of sadness in his heart. "Injun-ah." Jeno softly says and Renjun hums. "Could you.." he says and points to the two letters side by side, " _burn it?_ " he asks and Renjun looks at him, eyebrows furrowed. "But, Jen-" "Please." Jeno begged as tears streamed down his cheeks and Renjun frowns as he finally nods, standing up. Renjuns trembling hands grab the letter written to Jeno and the letter written by Jeno. 

Renjun hesitated as he stood in front of the small fireplace in their room and he stands upon it.

 _I'm sorry_.

  
The letters contacts the flame and its content burns to ashes along with the last of Jaemin's remainings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HHHHHHHHH i hope u enjoyed thiSSS😸😸- (if this is like a step down from the first chap im sorry i just woke up

**Author's Note:**

> should i write a jeno pov to this letter?? lmk👁️👁️ THANK U FOR READINGGG (since imo ppl seem to like fluff>angst so to all yall angst shit readers i love you marry me)


End file.
